CW: abuse, sexual abuse, trafficking, grooming
Sexual grooming is an intentional process that predators use to access children, teens, and vulnerable people groups in order to coerce them into what comes down to outright abuse—whether sexual, financial, or otherwise1. Grooming can occur online or in person, to any gender, and to any age. It can look like friendship, emotional or physical support, encouragement or attention, or any number of usually positive interactions. However, the motivations behind the actions of a predator are always selfish, illicit, and not in anyone's best interest but their own. (See Proverbs 6:16-19)
One of the major frameworks for sexual grooming is through romantic partners. They may be a similar age to you, making it seem like everything is motivated by love and physical attraction. They may be a relative who assumes some kind of trust and level of access to you. They may be an adult who targets younger people by luring them in with friendly or romantic advances. If someone significantly older than you expresses romantic interest, that's a red flag. An adult has ZERO legitimate reasons to pursue a teenager romantically.
Some people wear masks to hide their true nature. They lie, cajole, and use gaslighting techniques to lead you to believe the story they want you to believe. Sadly, their true nature remains hidden until it's too late to see the chinks in their façade. But by then, they're close enough to sink their claws in.
This is how sexual groomers operate. They wear a beautiful mask, they deceive with beautiful things, and then they use people and hurt them.
An unfortunate response to abuse is to put on our own masks. In an effort to hide our shame and regret, we put on the mask of happiness or contentment. When we want to hide our brokenness, we put on the mask of apathy or over-confidence. When we're too scared to speak, we put on the mask of shy silence. Often, a groomer will threaten our personal safety, the safety of those we love, our privacy, or our reputation, further convincing us that masking in silence is safest. But it's NOT.
This kind of masking hides the truth and creates a barrier between us and the help we need to escape harmful circumstances and/or access to resources so we can begin to heal.
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." —1 Peter 5:8
Sexual groomers are incredibly good at identifying vulnerable people and populations. They take into consideration things like age, how isolated a person is, if they have mental health struggles or disabilities, how attentive their family is, and even what past traumas might make someone susceptible to coercion2.
Here are six behaviors that should raise red flags in your mind when a person is trying hard to be your friend or gain your trust:
One of the easiest things you can do is avoid sharing personal information on public social media profiles or participating in private chats with people you don't know4. Beyond that, here are some other things to keep in mind...
"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." —Galatians 6:2
Honest, open communication with trusted friends and adults is key to protecting yourself. Having several people you can turn to for advice, protection, support, and wisdom is so important. Try not to isolate yourself from your loved ones. Isolation makes you vulnerable to those who want to use you to fulfill their own purposes. (See Hebrews 10:24-25; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood..." —Proverbs 6:16-17
Sextortion is the act of digital sexual exploitation, often through threats and coercion into sending explicit images online. This material is then used against you for sexual and/or financial reasons. This is a crime and should be reported as soon as possible. It doesn't matter what your involvement was or if you initially agreed to anything—sextortion is a crime, and you are not the one committing it.
"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." —Ephesians 5:15-17
Teachers or other authority figures should not exchange personal, intimate, or private messages (especially on social media) with young people within their sphere of influence; that's completely inappropriate (Isaiah 5:20-21).
Set a boundary with friends and even your romantic partner to never send sexts or nudes to each other. Some may see this as a fun way to get a reaction or as an "expected" part of a relationship, but these kinds of messages and images can be used to blackmail, exploit, or extort more from the sender5.
"When justice is done, it is a joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers." —Proverbs 21:15
While you should never falsely accuse an innocent person of wrongdoing, it never hurts to investigate a "gut feeling" that something's off. Use your God-given discernment and common sense. Discuss your situation with a trusted person in your life. If you're feeling discomfort or fear about a particular interaction or relationship, that's not something to just let go. (See Galatians 6:7-8)
If someone in your life is targeting you or if you feel like it's already happened, don't wait. Take action immediately. You are not in the wrong—no matter what anyone tells you.
Being able to trust our teachers, parents, family members, and pastors should be a given. But according to data reported by RAINN, most sexual violence perpetrators know their targets7.
If an adult has pressured you into a relationship that you suspect is inappropriate, do not engage further—no matter how they threaten you. Tell someone you trust about the situation. It's not your fault that this has happened, but for your own safety, you must report this kind of behavior.
It can be so difficult to recognize abusive behavior in a romantic relationship. Often the abuse is small and slow, normalizing things that aren't right over time so that you start believing everything is OK.
Communication about your relationship should always be open. Boundaries should always be respected. Physical intimacy should always be consensual. You are allowed to say "no" and deserve to have your wishes respected8. "Secret" relationships are dangerous and will only result in future harm.
Keep loved ones informed about your romantic relationships and benefit from their wisdom and perspective rather than figuring it out on your own (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 12:15).
Shame and fear are tools that Satan and his followers use to keep you suffering in silence. But God holds nothing against you—no matter how much you feel any abuse was your fault (Romans 8:1).
Seek help from the many resources available and find hope for the future. If a groomer is attempting to take advantage of you (or already has) or if you know of someone to whom this has happened, the time to speak up is NOW. Though trust may feel out of reach, there ARE people who are ready, willing, and wanting to intervene on your behalf and be your advocate.
Bring your deepest pain and burdens to the Lord (Psalm 55:22). The Bible tells us that Jesus was "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). If anyone can listen to your story and understand your pain, it's Him (Matthew 11:28-30).
RESOURCES: 1. RAINN. "Grooming: Know the Warning Signs." RAINN.org, RAINN, 7-10-20, https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs. Accessed 8-7-24. 2. Darkness to Light. "Grooming and Red Flag Behaviors." Darkness to light, https://www.d2l.org/child-grooming-signs-behavior-awareness. Accessed 8-7-24. 3. National Centre for Domestic Violence. "LOVE BOMBING – The Ultimate Grooming Technique." NCDV,org, Centre for Domestic Abuse and Violence CIC, https://www.ncdv.org.uk/love-bombing-the-ultimate-grooming-technique. Accessed 8-7-24. 4. internetmatters.org. "Learn about online grooming." internetmatters.org, https://www.internetmatters.org/issues/online-grooming/learn-about-it/#what_is_online-grooming. Accessed 8-7-24. 5. internetmatters.org. "New Cybersurvey sexting report highlights insight into digital relationships for young people today." internetmatters.org, https://www.internetmatters.org/hub/news-blogs/new-cybersurvey-sexting-report-highlights-insight-into-digital-relationships-for-young-people-today. Accessed 8-7-24. 6. Federal Bureau of Investigation. "Sextortion." FBI.gov, Federal Bureau of Investigation, https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/sextortion. Accessed 8-7-24. 7. RAINN. "Perpetrators of Sexual Violence: Statistics." RAINN.org, RAINN, https://www.rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence 8. https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/you-co/types-crime/sex-crimes/grooming. Accessed 8-7-24.
Sexual grooming and sextortion are techniques sexual predators use to entice, manipulate, exploit, and violate vulnerable people, such as children, teens, disabled populations, and minority groups. Abusers begin their process of grooming by assessing how vulnerable a person is to abuse. They may exhibit any of the following red flag behaviors in varying levels: 1. Asking you to disregard authority; 2. Making you dependent upon them; 3. Encouraging you to isolate yourself; 4. Sexualizing the relationship; 5. Maintaining control of the relationship; and 6. Love bombing. If you or if someone you know has been targeted, it is essential to report the abuse to a trusted source immediately. You do not need to suffer in silence. There is no shame in asking for help, and abuse is NEVER the fault of the abused—no matter what your involvement might be. Seek help and lay your deepest pain and burdens before God (Psalm 55:22; Isaiah 53:3).
Grace is a passionate writer and musician who desires to radiate Christ's light in a generation of teens and young adults navigating their life in a world of spiritual darkness. Recent founder of Christian rock band Lighthouse Saints, she desires to spread the message of God’s truth and love through her songwriting and voice! Grace is also an aspiring freelancer who has worked professionally in writing, editing, and social media content creation. In her free time, Grace enjoys meeting new people, reading lots of books, jamming out with her friends, and writing (sometimes overly dramatic) poetry.
Mary is a music and nonprofit writer passionate about telling purposeful stories about music, meaning, and mental health. She currently serves as Senior Content Manager for anti-human trafficking nonprofit The Exodus Road as well as providing PR services to bands and start-up nonprofits.
