How much is too much physical intimacy?

All right. Let's talk about getting physical during dating relationships. This is such a tricky subject, isn't it? Everybody has an opinion, from "don't even make eye contact" to "you can do anything but have sex." If we're trying to live our lives to honor God, how are we supposed to know what to do or where the line is? And what does the Bible say about it?

First things first though, if your parents have said that you are not allowed to even date, then you must respect their rules. Proverbs 1:8 says, "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching..." Colossians 3:20 says, "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord." Are we cool on that? Okay, moving on...

What this whole physical taboo thing really comes down to is this: avoiding temptation.

Temptation is something we all have to deal with on a daily basis. It's hard enough to practice self-control with our anger or impatience. When we add sexual temptations, that makes living a God-honoring life even more complicated. The old cliché that "one thing leads to another" is really true when it comes to physical intimacy. First it's just kissing, then it's fondling, then hands are making their way under clothes, and before you know it, somebody is likely to want more. It's hard to get enough once you get started.

I know it's an awful stereotype, but it IS true that our bodies are a bit unruly when we're going through our teenage years. They don't always do what we want or feel is best in the moment. It can be exceedingly difficult to control ourselves physically when we're young—no matter how determined we are. Matthew 26:41 says that "the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Why is it that our bodies rebel against our minds when it comes to sexual purity?

Why did God create sex?

Simply put, God created sex to be pleasurable to reinforce a bond of trust within marriage. The Bible encourages married couples to be physically intimate (Ephesians 5:31; 1 Corinthians 7:5). That pleasure is why our bodies desire it and all the sensations that come with it. That drive to connect intimately with another person is part of what drives us to connect and commit to a lifetime partner.

And because sex is much more than a physical act, this kind of intimacy was created to be enjoyed only in the context of marriage between a husband and wife. So avoiding temptations to be physically intimate with someone you are not committed to for life is a preventative measure. The Bible teaches that we should not commit our bodies to another person before we've committed our hearts and lives to one another. (See Hebrews 13:4; 2 Timothy 2:22)

So where's the line?

Knowing where your personal line lies is extremely important. Make sure that whoever you are romantically involved with knows your boundaries and that you know theirs. Respecting physical and emotional boundaries is a vital part of any relationship. If a couple who was exploring marriage wanted to be physically affectionate in some way that did not tempt them toward lust, then that is a decision they should make between them and God.

If they chose a level of physical intimacy they found "safe" then later realized one or both of them were developing a desire to level up, then they should stop and reevaluate. The Bible says that it would be better to abstain from physical closeness until they can be married. As the apostle Paul says, "It is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9). Song of Solomon repeats the phrase "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" over and over, driving home that self-control in the matters of sexual intimacy are challenging struggles that we shouldn't encourage.

As Christians, our efforts should focus less on pursuing physical pleasure, but rather chasing after godliness and the fruit of the Spirit.

2 Timothy 2:22 says, "So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." Even when you're married, sex should never be the #1 priority in your relationship.

If you're already in deep in a dating relationship and you think maybe you've gone too far or already had sex, please do NOT beat yourself up with guilt or shame. If you feel convicted by the Holy Spirit that you have made a mistake, that's good, and it's not too late to stop and start over again. That's repentance (Acts 3:19).

With God's help, you CAN control yourself in the future. Here are a few ways to avoid putting you and your SO in a tempting situation:

5 Ways to Diffuse Sexual Tension

1. PRAY TOGETHER. Hopefully your SO is a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14-15) or is at least willing to support your faith. If that's the case, praying together before your dates is a great idea. Ask God to help keep your physical desires in check and to bless your conversations and relationship (Philippians 4:6). It certainly wouldn't hurt to pray for each other before you get together either (James 5:16).
2. DON'T KISS ON THE COUCH. Or the bed. Or anywhere you might end up in a physically intimate position. That might seem kind of silly, but if you don't even invite temptation in, then you are less likely to have to face it. (1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Peter 5:8)
   
3. BE OPEN WITH YOUR PARENTS. I know that sounds horrifying, but hear me out. If your parents have said you can date, then they're showing that they trust you. By keeping them in the loop and allowing them to keep you accountable with curfews, physical intimacy, etc., then you're showing them that they made the right decision in trusting you. (Proverbs 11:3; Colossians 3:9; 1 John 3:18)
4. BE SEXUALLY PURE WHEN YOU'RE ALONE TOO. Watching porn or masturbating to relieve sexual tension is NOT going to be helpful in your relationship. In fact, it's more likely to be harmful if impossible expectations become entrenched in your mind and/or an addiction develops. Whether or not you are dating, having a sexually-pure mind and body is still vitally important (Philippians 4:8-9; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).
   
5. RUN AWAY. When things get too hot and heavy, call it a day or night or whatever and just put some physical distance between the two of you. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says to "flee from sexual immorality." Say goodnight or "see you tomorrow" and get yourself into a cold shower.

God has promised that "no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Look for those escapes; He's put them there for you! It's not impossible to remain a virgin or stay physically pure (Matthew 19:26). Many, many believers have had relationships and still stayed virgins until they were married.

If you've made mistakes in the past, you can still repent NOW and start over fresh. Your Heavenly Father will forgive you for your past—no matter how messy it is (1 John 1:9).