What if I'm crushing on a non-Christian?

Many of us have faced this question at one point or another. We start to wonder if there is some way we can date a non-Christian and turn our crush toward God through the relationship.

But truthfully, "evangedating" is a terrible idea. It leads to all sorts of heartaches and usually ends with one person compromising their beliefs to make the other happy—or else both people eventually leave the relationship feeling even worse than before.

Our Identity as Followers of Christ

The main thing to realize about any dating (or potential dating) relationship is that you, as a believer, are already in a relationship with Christ. Your life should be identified by how you live out your faith in Christ.

Your earthly friendships and relationships are supposed to help bring you closer to God—not draw you away from Him.

Can righteousness partner with wickedness?

"Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?" —2 Corinthians 6:14 (NLT)

One of the main problems with dating an unbeliever is that your spiritual growth will be stunted or even restricted. God calls His children to service, to give time or money, to worship, and to teach the next generation about Him. Following Christ becomes more difficult when we're bonded to another person who doesn't understand or support our beliefs (1 Corinthians 2:14; 2 Corinthians 6:14).

Of course God could bless a marriage like this after it's formed. But, for your wellbeing and for His glory, it's not recommended to go into a romantic relationship knowing that you're already spiritually incompatible.

You cannot make someone change their heart in order to date you, so what's the alternative? Splitting your heart between Jesus, who died for you, and a person who doesn't love Him. You will eventually have to choose between them if the other person doesn't come to know Christ.

Dating for Christians

Personally, I made myself a list of things I would like in a future husband—including a few "nonnegotiable" such as: he must be a Christian, share the same faith and morals, and must be OK with my special needs sisters. I also have a list of red flags such as: excessive drinking, constant use of foul language, lack of respect for the less fortunate, etc. I also find myself saying, "God, it would be really nice if he was taller than me, loves dancing, likes cats, and knows nerdy stuff."

Whenever I start looking twice at a guy, I take my list to prayer and start asking God if this man fits my nonnegotiables (James 1:5). Then I look to see if he has any of the red flags I am watching for. If he doesn't fit the nonnegotiables or if he has any of the red-flags, I gently, but firmly, tell my heart that he is not for me. I remind myself that he won't help me grow closer to Christ, and he won't help me become the best I can be.

It's so easy to lose track of the long-term results of any dating relationship: Marriage or break up. All relationships eventually end in one of those two ways.

How do I let go of someone who isn't best for me?

If I've spent lots of time in prayer about someone who's caught my eye, I may even go on a date or two with them. But if they don't fit my nonnegotiables, I cannot justify handing my heart to them. These nonnegotiables are there to protect us both. I've tried allowing relationships I've felt wary about—just to have to backpedal out of those relationships. It's a really, really hard and painful process for both parties. So, I guard my heart, defend my relationship with Christ, and protect myself.

Perhaps you know this intellectually, too, but how do you convince your heart? It hurts to see someone you think would be perfect for you—good, nice, funny, makes you feel really special—only to turn away from them. But, at the end of the day, you must ask yourself, "What do I want from a relationship?"

Do you want to have someone who can make you laugh? Or someone who can make you laugh AND help you become more like Christ? Do you want someone who makes you feel tingly and giddy? Or someone who can pray with you and make you feel special to both them AND God?

But letting go is so difficult...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." —Proverbs 3:5-6

My advice for you is to wait. Wait and see. Pray. Take your desire to God. Let Him take care of dissolving that crush if that is His will. Maybe you can make your own list of a few "nonnegotiables." Don't make it frivolous; make it essential: loving Christ more than you, respectful toward the opposite gender, etc. Add whatever else is at the core of your desire, such as wanting children, wanting him to respect your desire to have a career, good communication, etc.

Only you and God know what should go on that list. But make it with God, then wait. Test each spirit. Test each person. But most of all: DO NOT SETTLE. You were made for a purpose, and if that purpose includes marriage, then trust that the person who really does have what you need will be running toward God first—not you.

Be prepared for God's plan—no matter what it may be.

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established." —Proverbs 16:1-3

Keep in mind that just because a person meets every criterion on your list of "Everything I'd Ever Want in a Marriage Partner," they still may not be the person God intends for you. I had the blessing of meeting a man who fit all my criteria and had pretty much everything on my "would be nice" list, but we just weren't a match.

Unfortunately, this has happened to me twice. I'm still good friends with both men, but I knew that anything more wasn't going to allow me to be who I was created to be. While both men's hearts were moving toward God, each had radically different life missions from my own.

Many people will walk with you for a short bit—but they have their own trails to tread. Many people will walk beside you—but they may not stay your trail. Never, ever leave your trail. Your end goal in life isn't marriage. Your end goal is Christlikeness. Don't ever let anyone steal that goal from you.

"Whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father." —Colossians 3:17 (NLT)