How to Deal with Regret

Feelings of regret are one of life's many drains—especially in us teens. From stuff as little as a mistake that you made in the third grade to not studying for that final in eighth grade to posting something dumb on social media. Adults deal with even bigger, horrid events like divorces, fights, bad career choices, etc.

Some things just leave a bruise; others leave a scar. But even the largest wounds will eventually heal. It all depends on how you treat those wounds.

What is regret?

A simple dictionary definition is: "to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed" over something that has happened or been done, such as a loss or missed opportunity. The root word in Hebrew used in the Bible actually means "to sigh." When Genesis 6:7 talks about God regretting that He made humans, it's like a facepalm. It's an expression of "UGH"...and disappointment.

While God is sovereign and sees everything coming, we don't. For us, regret is nothing more than an emotional response to something we didn't expect. It's a change in your thought patterns that's caused by your memories. Those memories can be of something someone has done to you, a mistake you've made, or even an amazing opportunity that was missed.

With practice, we can learn to control our feelings rather than allowing them to control us (Titus 1:8). We just have to find a way that works for us.

When We Hold Onto Regrets

Many of us don't deal with regrets in any helpful way. We hold on to them, letting them turn into things that are unforgettable, unforgivable, and wholly intolerable. Those regrets come up at the most awkward times, and they trigger emotional responses as we flashback to that mistake or event. I used to feel those triggers all the time. They used to paralyze me, but I'm trying not to let them.

When we fuel our regrets, it can lead to anxiety, depression, self-hate, or even self destruction. The pain of regret may drive us to decisions we would not otherwise make. In the Bible, there is probably no bigger case of regret than that of Judas Iscariot. After he realized that he had betrayed the actual Messiah, Judas was so filled with regret that he tried to undo his actions by returning the blood money. When that didn't work, he chose to take his own life (Matthew 27:3–5).

Using Regrets for Good

"We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." —Romans 8:28 (NLT)

The truth is that our life experiences—including our mistakes—are what make us who we are today. We didn't know what would happen when we made those mistakes, so it's really OK. But we need to remember that we ARE capable of a life beyond those regrets. Just because our old life is all we knew, that doesn't mean we can never have different future.

Time gives us perspective, and we learn from those mistakes. We become wiser, more compassionate humans through hard times (James 1:2-4). Many people who have experienced a mess of a life have found hope and life purpose in Jesus.

How God Restores Us

"After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." —1 Peter 5:10

When Jesus died for us, He made us new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17). He replaced our hearts so we would become brand new people. Jesus gives us second chances all the time. 2 Corinthians 7:10 explains the difference between mere regret and true repentance: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

Rather than allowing regret to control our thoughts and actions, we can allow Jesus to transform our minds so that our memories of past sinful choices don't paralyze us—and instead, magnify God's powerful grace (Romans 12:2; Ephesians 2:8). When we come to Him in repentance, believing that His sacrifice on the cross was enough to pay the debt we owe God, we can be forgiven (2 Corinthians 5:21: Romans 10:9-10; Acts 2:23).

Tips on Dealing with Regret

1. Learn to forgive yourself. God has forgiven you already. You just need to realize that it's OK to be imperfect and have once been broken.
2. Study the Bible. Try starting with something like daily devotionals or read random books of the Bible. Write in it. Make it more than just another book to read. It has to become personal. Put notes in it, underline things, highlight things. One teacher suggested drawing or printing out pictures that represent certain verses. Ask other believers in your life to give you some tips, tricks, and ways that they study Scripture. Maybe you'll find a friend you can study the Bible with.
3. Be the person that God made you to be—not the person you pretend to be. You don't have to make up stories to cover up your past. Not being honest about who you are is probably the worst thing you can do for your healing process. I know, because I used to do that too.
4. Don't waste time on past regrets. Wallowing in regrets and shame over the past is a dead end. It's gone. It's over. Finito. Your identity and self-worth has nothing to do with your past. Set it aside. Today is different from yesterday, and every day is new (Lamentations 3:22-23).

It's OK to learn from your mistakes and move on. There's no need to punish yourself for the past. Focus on where you're at now and how you can live today and into tomorrow (Philippians 3:12-16). Never look back—except to learn. Never regret—except to repent. Always forgive—including yourself.

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