When Crushes Clash

Have you heard the expression: "All is fair in love and war"? It's a phrase that refers to a situation in which people don't follow the normal societal rules of behavior but rather use any means possible to achieve their goal—even things that are normally considered UNfair. For example, choosing to cheat on a test because you haven't aced one yet this semester.

Would a follower of Jesus do whatever was necessary to win? This is an especially serious question for teens. Society tells us that what we want, we should fight for. For a teen in the dating arena, that can be a huge focus of our lives. So what happens when you and a friend like the same person? What do you do? How do you find a resolution?

Did you know that the Bible actually talks about situations like this? It's in Philippians 2:3, which says, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves."

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.

That one is fairly self-explanatory. Don't do things only for selfish gain! To be clear, Paul isn't saying to forget about your needs; rather, he's saying that we should care about others' needs IN ADDITION to our own. We can take care of ourselves without becoming self-obsessed. We can care for others without becoming a doormat for abuse.

In humility, count others more significant than yourselves.

Romans 15:2 says, "Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up." Though we are not to be pleasers of others over Christ, we are to please our neighbors for Christ, and especially those who are fellow believers (Galatians 6:10). Jesus says there is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend (John 15:13). The ultimate love is to give your life for another. So surely, it is greater to give up something you want—that a friend may have it instead?

Is all fair in love and war?

This adage that "all is fair in love and war" has been around so long that it seems to have been accepted as truth. I think it's interesting that Paul says, "Count others more significant than yourselves." What an incredible command! Just as a result of our sinful nature, we tend to think we're more important or worthy than others, but Paul tells us to stop thinking this way.

When You & a Friend Crush on the Same Person

Well, I can't tell you exactly what to do in this case because every situation is different. However, I CAN tell you to consider your friend as "more significant" than you. You see, there comes a point where a true and healthy friendship is of much more value and importance than a potential romantic partner. You can choose to talk it out or find a compromise, but if it comes to your friend not wanting to give up, can you consider them more significant, and let them "win" this one?

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." —1 Corinthians 10:31

Any command we are given is a call to love God more. When we are called to count others as more significant than ourselves, it's a call to love God more than ourselves—by giving up ourselves and loving those who He loves. So do you not know that everything will work for good, for His purpose, if you choose to do what Paul says here?

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." —Romans 8:28

Having been out of high school for awhile now, having a mutual crush on the same person as a friend seemed far in the past for me. But even as an adult, there have been times this has been an issue. God always pushes me to count a brother in Christ as more significant than myself and focus on what God is doing—not on what He is giving (or not giving). But I admit that it's hard, for it goes against that sin nature.

Rather than seeing this as an impossible command, I pray that you will be glad in the fact that Jesus, in all humility, counted us more significant than what HE deserved, and took the weight of what WE deserve. I pray that you will be glad that, by His humility and obedience, we are made able to give up our desires to better serve His purposes. By His grace, when we lose our lives for Him, we find our lives!

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." —Luke 9:24