How can I forgive those who sin against me?

Forgiving those who have harmed or wronged us is definitely not easy. You are definitely not alone in struggling with forgiveness. Everyone has been wronged at some time or another, and if we're honest, we've wronged others too. We'll all be faced with the question, "How can I ever forgive that person for ____________?"

But the Bible is super clear on the subject of forgiveness. We are to seek forgiveness and to strive to forgive others (Ephesians 4:32). No exceptions. Even those who have not come to us asking for forgiveness or in any way show signs of a repentant heart. Yes, we have to forgive them too.

"Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" —Matthew 18:21-22

Why Forgiveness is the Goal

Why should we seek to forgive those who have sinned against us? Because forgiveness can set us free from bitterness, anger, jealousy, and other hurtful emotional states. Forgiveness can heal the heart and soothe the soul, bettering both our our spiritual and mental health.

In the Bible, Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Could it be any more obvious?

Foriveness Does Not Excuse Behavior

To be clear, we want to emphasize that forgiving someone doesn't mean that you're saying what they did was OK. You are not excusing the behavior or saying that it didn't hurt or didn't matter. Forgiveness is not about giving the other person a "pass" or permision to hurt you again.

What Jesus says in Matthew 18:21-22 is definitely one of the most challenging things I've ever encountered. When Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother, Jesus basically replies with the equivalent of "always and forever."

Forgiveness is for YOU primarily—not the other person. Forgiveness helps YOU heal. And if the other person is willing to stop doing the hurtful behavior, then forgiveness can help heal the relationship once again. If they are NOT willing to stop the hurtful behavior, YOU are still worthy of healing. And that is what forgiveness in your heart can do—even if you end up cutting or reducing contact with that person (Proverbs 17:9).

God Forgives Unconditionally

If you have accepted the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, then you have been forgiven by God for the sum of all your sins from your entire lifetime. God has wiped our debt to Him away, which we, in no way, could have paid on our own. We have sinned against a holy and perfect God, and yet the cost He paid for us to be free from that punishment is unthinkable.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." —John 3:16-17

God freely grants forgiveness to those who ask (1 John 1:9; Psalm 103:10-14)—no matter who asks. I know we aren't God, and it's a hard ask when someone has been toxic or betrayed us. But remember, forgivenss isn't a treat for the person who hurt us—it's a restoration of our own peace.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." —Philippians 4:6

How We Forgive

Now we've reached the practical stage of forgivenss. HOW. It can be so, so very hard to forgive sometimes. And that's OK. Sometimes it takes time to get to a place where we can release the pain. Working through all those feelings naturally and through therapy is absolutely normal and OK. It may take a lot of time—years even. But in the end, forgiveness will be what heals us completely.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." —Ephesians 4:31-32

When the matter is slight, we should try to overlook those little offenses (Matthew 5:39). Not every jab needs a response. Of course for more serious matters, we need to be sure to protect ourselves and our own peace. Sometimes distance is necessary, and that's OK.

To forgive those who sin against us requires a lot of patience and a willingness to let go of the idea that they "owe" you an apology (1 Thessalonians 5:14). Remember that forgiveness isn't about getting an apology or making them guarantee they'll never hurt you again. Forgiveness heals YOU. And their willingess or unwillingness to participate in reconciliation is what heals the relationship.

Through God's power, prayer, biblical guidance, the help of the Holy Spirit, and over time, we can find the resolve to forgive. As we walk with Him, we strive to be more like Jesus, who gave His life for each of us and forgave those who sinned against Him. Forgiving others is one more way we can grow in our journey as believers.

"Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; 38 give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." —Luke 6:37-38